Dear Vatican

Dear Vatican,

It was with much amusement that I read your delightfully witty opine condemning the awarding of the Nobel Prize for Medicine to the wonderful Dr. Robert Edwards for his pioneering work in IVF.  http://tiny.cc/08pjk

As the parent of one (and a half) of Dr. Edwards genetic replicants, your spokesman, Monsignor Ignacio Carrasco de Paula’s insightful thoughts really resonated with me. I mean, seriously dudes, Iggy C. is so piss funny you should send him on tour or something. He makes Joan Rivers look like a straight man, or woman as the case may, though I apologise for that particicular comparison given your misogynistic bleatings and all. But seriously,  the clever word play of his stage name “Ignacio” being so close to “ignorant” (from the latin for utter moron) certainly wasn’t lost on me. You guys…

Anyway, I always knew how tremendously enlightened and utterly fabulous you are because you’re constantly banging on telling us how much better and purer and more worthy you are than everyone else… but I never realised that you guys were so fucking hilarious!  If I had, I wouldn’t have been wasting all my time thinking you were a bunch of hypocritical twats and would have been busy attending your comedy services every Sunday.

I found myself having to wipe the tears from my eyes as I read your side-splitting missive – so great was my amusement at the droll irony of comments like the one about Dr. Edwards prize being “out of order” because clearly it is we parent’s of Dr. Edwards mutant spawn and our shoddy  “God given” reproductive systems that are, in fact, what’s out of order. Hilarious stuff.

And though this magnificent satire will almost certainly be hailed as one of the great comedy classics of our time, I do have a few thoughts on how you could improve the routine for next time. You see, you missed some important opportunities that could have really added to the impact of your mirthful monologue.

For example, I know how much you lot hate contraception and love over-populating third world countries with starving children, even though so many of these poor little cherubs end up in agonising pain and carking it from disease and malnutrition, so you guys must be thrilled about Dr Edwards helping to bring more than 4,000,000 potential future Catholics into the world.  Given the cost and desire it takes to make one of these tiny freaks of nature, it’s so much less likely that the little mutants will keel over from a life of poverty, which is great news for you guys!  If you can just indoctrinate them with your narrow minded attitudes, the fact that they won’t be dead before they can even speak means thse ones will be able to help spread the word on how totally briliant your cult  organisation is. So perhaps you could add something about that into the routine next time.

Another  standout was “Without Edwards, there would not be a large number of freezers filled with embryos in the world. In the best cases they are transferred into a uterus, but most probably, they will end up abandoned or dead, for which the new Nobel prize winner is responsible.”

This one’s such a hoot, I almost peed myself laughing.  Seriously, where do you guys get this stuff ‘cos this is some fucking funny shit.  But maybe, given your  awesome record of protecting the little children and all, I would have taken this a bit further myself and maybe added something like…

“I suppose at least if these embryos are safely protected in a freezer and not given the opportunity to grow into children then our army of paedophile priests won’t be able get their grubby hands on them… saving us masses of work in covering up for the perverted arseholes and having to go to all that hassle of reassigning them to alternate locations where they continue to abuse a whole new bunch of innocent children. Phew!”

Anyway Vatican, though I have a few more ideas for you, one being to simply shut the fuck up, I really must dash as I’m frightfully busy gestating my next Godless IVF abomination.

Cheers,

Mummyfied

PS. My apologies to any of the 1.3 billion Catholics in the world that may be offended by my comments against your fearless leaders… but worry not I’ll be sure to get my heretical arse kicked when I go to hell with the other 5.6 billion of us who aren’t… or not… Anyhoo, y’all have a nice day.

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Filed under Infertility, IVF, Uncategorized

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