I’d been told before even falling pregnant that a side effect of both pregnancy and new motherhood was abject stupidity – referred to in more polite cicrles as ‘baby brain’. And not wanting to let the side down I duly embraced my new mental state. What no-one warned me was that it doesn’t appear to improve with the passage of time. The thoughts are there and the brain is ticking over but it seems like there is some loose wiring which has caused my brain/mouth co-ordination to short circuit. My conversation isn’t just broken… it’s been run over by a truck, scraped up and thrown from a ten story building shattering into a thousand pieces then trampled by a herd of rampaging buffalo (that just happen to be hanging aorund near ten story buildings)
Since Devilboy entered the world, my capacity for coherent conversation has exited. Speech has become a bunch of random words that someone else has to assemble into a sentence. Kind of like constructing something from Ikea… only not everyone has the right allen key.
Yesterday whilst we were standing amongst a flock of huge feathered birdlife at Lake Macquarie, I had the following conversation with dad of Deviboy.
Me: Don’t let Devilboy get too close to the penguins.
D of D: What penguins?
Me: Those penguins!
D of D: You mean the pelicans?
Me: Oh! Yes the pelicans.
D of D: Would you like a drink?
Me: I’d me chocolate
D of D: You’d what?
Me: Devilboy, not so close to the penguins!
D of D: You’re an idiot!
Thank Gods for other mothers I say. I swear without them I’d consider a vow of silence at this point. This is a perfectly understood conversation I had with another new mum (om) while ordering drinks at a cafe today, whilst our partners looked on dumbfounded.
Om: You know what’s her name is umm…. coffee?
Me: Really? How far along is she? No I’d rather have skim… Devilboy, stop ripping the paper!
Om: Four months. Ok… two flat whites and a skim hot chocolate, please?
Me: Thanks. Did you still want to do that… thing in a few of weeks?
Om: Sure I’m keen, what day?
Partners: What the?
Clearly though I’ve lost the basic skills of discourse, I’ve gained the skill of translating mum… a fair trade methinks.