Oh, that’s how you make babies.

I’ve been thinking about the reasons M and I have been unable to achieve a successful pregnancy and realised after a depressed afternoon in front of the ‘W’ channel exactly why.

We’ve been going about this all the wrong way. A healthy diet, herbal fertility treatments, acupuncture, temperature taking, weeing on sticks, avoidance of alcohol, drugs and caffeine plus anything else mildly amusing, a household full of fertility icons, IVF treatments and even sex just aren’t going to cut it. Pillows under the butt, a hundred books on conception and the sweet advice from friends to just relax (yeah right!) and being asked constantly ‘are you pregnant yet?’ also isn’t going to help.

I have realised now that I need to change my entire lifestyle if I want to become a virtual baby making machine.

Firstly I need to get completely hammered and shag M in the back seat of my dads car with a broken condom and cross my fingers I don’t fall pregnant ‘cause that would be, like, totally uncool.

Failing this I need to take up crack, preferably in conjunction with prostitution. After M and I move into our new trailer home I will also become an alcoholic with an addiction to anti-depressants and M needs also to become an alcoholic as well as beating me as frequently as possible.

M needs to have an illicit affair with another woman and leave me or I can have an illicit affair with an underage male, preferable a student… which may prove difficult as I am not a teacher. Illicit sex with another man or men, preferably Asian or African American, on the same day I have sex with M producing multiple babies of different colours is also a fabulous option.

If all else fails I just need to have sex with Kevin Federline.

According to my television any of the above will guarantee us an abundance of babies… and the TV would never lie.



Filed under accupuncture, iconography, Infertility, IVF

2 responses to “Oh, that’s how you make babies.

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