The list of my accomplishments in the field of abject stupidity is growing daily.
In the office yesterday I walked into a wall. We only have four and it isn’t that hard to navigate a square virtually unfurnished room or so I thought back in the old days when I was still capable of them.
It occurred to me last night that ‘perhaps my brain just needs feeding’ but after an hour I realised I was still on the first page of my book and that many of the words had more than one syllable. I decided instead to send my beloved to fetch me some trash of the type that really has no words… only pictures of thin blonde heiresses. By using the full force of my three functioning brains cell I managed to finish that… though with some difficulty.
Phase two of Operation “Entertain the Idiot” was to watch a movie. Nothing too complex… just a generic action blockbuster designed as fodder for the great unwashed. Unfortunately my skills of concentration meant that I was still mentally processing scenes ten minutes after they had finished and couldn’t even keep up with a plot written for and by the sub literate. I gave up on that and went to bed early to enjoy millions of little dreamettes of random ridiculousness. Another alarming side effect of Lucrin is that even my dreams are dumb!
So dumb do I feel that it has crossed my mind that they’ve been injecting George W. Bush with Lucrin for years. That’s right, I feel ‘W’ stupid! Though whilst the IVF fairies are making me a vacuous, vicious arse… I haven’t as yet felt the need to invade another country or become a fundamentalist religious hypocrite… so far.
Although… in saying that my house has turned into a virtual religious shrine. I, who have never been particularly suspicious or indeed secularly inclined for many years and who counts amongst her favorite books this year, Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion, has been picking up every possible piece of mildly symbolic fertility crap and fecund religious iconography that I cross paths with!
I have Buddha’s multiplying rapidly – a Buddha of compassion, the biggest fattest most extraordinarily jolly lucky Buddha I could find, serene Buddha for moments of calm, and a few little generic Buddha’s scattered around the house. I even have the most peculiar Buddha I have ever met… a ghastly kitschy thing surrounded by comical babies that is in fact an ‘official’ fertility Buddha but on closer inspection more resembles a lardy pedophile.
I also have a skinny and malnourished looking Cambodian interpretation of Ganesha… the lord of beginnings and overcoming obstacles (and allegedly the god of intellect so he’s clearly malfunctioning in that area – have a sandwich Ganesha and get back on the job!) and his much sexier dad Shiva, the destroyer of evil and creator of the new – also known in our house as the Toilet God because this is where he lives.
There is our beautiful little ‘Turtle Dragon’ which is bestowing upon us long life and lucky new beginnings as we speak. Then we have ‘Wasll’, named thus by my beloved for reasons completely unknown to myself, he is a rather large 100 year plus old Burmese man with an enormous penis wearing what appears to be rather full nappies. Wasll (pronounced Wassell), who has become a very important member of the family, has a rather unfortunate moustache and is doing an alleged fertility dance… and looks more than a trifle queer.
Diana, the Roman goddess of nature, fertility and childbirth has been with me a long time, in fact I uncovered her in a little shop in Ireland years ago. She is a beautiful little thing lolling about starkers with her legs in the air whilst shooting something from her bow an arrow. It’s probaly a dart full of Lucrin. I’ve always found it amusing that she is also known as the ‘huntress’ as shooting things and fertility/childbirth seems a somewhat unlikely combo – though ironically my own battle with fertility has had me so frustrated that there has been more than one occasion that I’ve been ready to shoot things too.
An Egyptian cat, protector of family and good omen of fertility and birth looks upon this confused collection of multicultural and multitheistic idols with typical feline disdain and all these magical fripperies are complimented by the lovely double happiness candles given to me by a dear friend.
The newest addition to my collection is Kwan Yin. Kwan Yin is a girly Buddha of Mercy who moonlights in fecundity – although there is some dispute over whether Kwanny is actually a boy or a girl. Kawn Yin is an essential part of any obsessive catalogue of fertility icons. And so she was purchased in haste. And there lies the problem. Unlike the other members of my collection who, besides the pedophilic fertility Buddha, who does have his own special charm, have all been lovingly collected on our travels and are antique, artistic or simply beautiful, Kwanny is a thing of inspired ugliness and simply isn’t floating my aesthetic boat.
There better be some good vibes coming from you soon Kwanny – until then consider yourself on notice!